February 16, 2005

  • New Beginning?

    Some of you, the readers, were my comrades in arms in Lineage for quite
    some time now. To tell you the truth, I didn't enjoy the gameplay
    itself, but only the bragging and ranting part. Some of you still read
    my blog and wonder what happened to SwordAngel, even after my sudden
    2-month absence. I stopped playing the game at the end of last semester
    because of exams and that dad came over from Hong Kong to spend his vacation (he never liked me playing
    computer/video games). Lineage has been like an emotional morphine to
    me. Before I realized it, I lost the dependency and addiction to it by
    the beginning of the winter semester. Instead, I began to open myself
    to the people around me, even to my parents, with whom I have not
    talked about anything other than school and work since 5 years ago. The
    feelings that I struggled to suppress for 5 years simply bursted out
    and I realized that there are people whom I cannot forget and that I
    still miss. And a certain "she" was among them. So here I am trying to
    see what I can do about it. Waking up from this 5-year cryostatis was
    not pleasant; I went through a lot of up and down during the first month, and managed to bear
    with it and sort out my feelings away from gaming. In any case, the end
    result is that the SwordAngel that you have known in Lineage is no
    more.

    Last Saturday I finally gathered enough
    foolishness/courage/guts/whatever-you-call-it to call "her". I still
    have her phone number from highschool because of the environmental
    committee; I simply never called her. Well, anyway, I called and she
    wasn't home. The woman at the other end of the phone, presumably her
    mom, told me that "she" was at work. Having been told when she finishes
    work, I did some quick arithmetic and realized that she must be working
    at least 6 hours on Saturday. That's a lot compared to me, since I
    had... 0 hour of work per week for the past 5 years. I did have a job
    in Hong Kong last summer, but it's different from having a job during
    the semester. I believe it is more of a challenge to manage to keep a
    job and do well at school at the same time. I felt like I fell behind
    compared to her and got a bit depressed. So I discussed with my friends
    Chris and Danny - believe it or not, but I have friends in real life - about whether I should get a job in order to get back
    to her level before trying to contact her again. I knew that sooner or
    later I will have to get a job, but my question was more about the
    timing, to contact her before or after
    I get a job. Anyway, we came to the conclusion that I should get a job
    ASAP, but not to shrink the difference in level between her and me.
    It's always fun to discuss about this kind of stuff with Chris and
    Danny simply because the observers are always the most sober. They see
    stuff that I, being engulfed in the situation, fail to see. So, we
    agreed that, on the one hand, if any girl likes me, she would like me
    for the person that I am, not for my status. I guess reciprocal
    thinking didn't quite kick in; I completely forgot that I also like
    "her" for the person that she is. On the other hand, getting a job will
    help me build character and firm my self-confidence; it will also
    reactivate my IB
    mode and allow me to enforce better time management and better study
    habits so that my grades climb instead of decline. And so...

    I am in active job hunt now. I'm not going all out yet. I suppose 6 to 10 hours of work per week for a start.

    I am really grateful to the people who helped me go through the past 5
    years of confusion. FieldsofLove, BombSquad, Dlirk, Arathin, MissKat,
    Banishing, ConBaka/WisBaka, W0LFW00D, Elutherin/Evermind, SAcRiFiCe, Tainted/ClassicGirl, just to name
    a few... actually everybody in the Nash, DoM, and Classics pledges. I wish you all
    the best in Lineage and in life.

    And so this marks the end of my overdue account of what's been happening in the past 2 months.

    - SwordAngel